Just A Thought
I found myself speaking to a girl friend tonight when this perfect thought entered my head. Then, of course, it came out of my mouth:
"Come fuck the depression out of me."
Go figure.
Pussy Bug
Leave It To Beaver and Stuff
I had a history teacher in 11th Grade who swore up and down to us that when June Cleaver used to say, "Ward, don't you think you were a little too hard on the beaver?" it was an implicit sexual reference. Think that's true?
By the way, my take is that 'shearing the shrubs' is the way to go. Brazilian, runway, pathway to pleasure... they're all good. What do you guys think? And, should dudes get rid of pubes, too?
Premature Ejaculation
Okay. I know you hate when -- after tons of foreplay -- we last about a minute or two during intercourse. Some of us hate it too. This is a sticky subject (every pun intended), because there are different categories of dudes here;
1. Mr. Cum Quickly. Mr. Cum Quickly just can't help it. It's his nature. There probably isn't much you can do about it.... except for one thing. If he can get off about an hour before intercourse, it may improve his staying power when he is with you. The more he can cum before it's intercourse time, the longer it's going to take him to 'go' when he is with you. The other thing you might want to try is getting him to think about a baseball game. I know you've probably heard about this trick before, and half the time it never worked for me (when I needed it), but the other half led to mind-blowing sex.
2. Mr. Could Care Lessly. Good luck here. This guy just wants to get off and get off (of you). He doesn't care about anything except for jack-hammering the crap out of you and finishing early enough to catch his favorite TV show.
3. Mr. I Don't Know Any Better. This is kind of like Mr. Cum Quickly. Novice dudes need your help. You have to pretty much talk and walk them through it. They think they're doing it the right way and they don't know any better. You have to show them what you want.
4. Mr. I Use Viagra. Okay. This is a double-edged sword. Here's the deal: Mr. I Use Viagra can cum quickly and cum often. The refractory period is literally sliced down to nothing, so you are dealing with a guy who stays nice and hard for you and can go multiple times. He may not be your 'dream lay' but he'll satisfy the hell out of you. You just have to tell him when enough is enough.
Guys want to satisfy you. Many of us think that if we give you the great 'Oral Orgasm' that we can then just get off by f-ing you quickly and finishing in a jiffy. Most dudes never reach a nice rhythm. They want to hit you hard... either from different positions or the same. I am surprised by the number of dudes I have talked to who think that screwing is just some sick game to show a little mastery and authority. They have no regard for your body and/or your needs. You all have to turn the tables on these guys somehow, by unplugging the sex or showing them what you need or something like that. If not, we dudes will do our thing over and over again.
More on H2O SEX
I have googled and searched all over. I have found nothing that indicates this is a dangerous form of sex, aside from the fact you may drown... However, I'll profess to being "Just a Dude" here, and take your word for it... Still not sure that would prevent me from doing it again.....
A Word About Water Sex
question girl and I have been having a meaningful discussion about sex in h2o. It has lead to the question, "is sex in water really that good?"
The answer is an emphatic yes, so much so that I wish I could do it again right now. The thing with water is that it has this magical buoyancy factor. That allows you to practice and perfect sex acts that are sometimes and nearly impossible on land. the best position, in my opinion, is when the woman the man has his feet planted on the pool floor and he holds the woman from her lower back while penetrating her (she has her legs wrapped around him and is suspended by the water). Doggy style is also amazing in the a hot tub/jacuzzi because the woman can be floating dead-man style while you enter her. This is not to mention the entire penetration process feels different for both the man and the woman because you're in the water. It's difficult to accurately pinpoint the exact sensation. Just to suffice to say it feels really amazing. Oh, now that I am writing about it, I would be remiss not to mention the time I did it in the Atlantic Ocean. Try battling the tide while getting laid! Now that's something... Maybe I should move back to Florida after all. There were a million year-round water options there. Anyone of you who lives near a body of water is a lucky bastard, and I order you to find someone to "test the waters" with.Nigel.
How Long Should We Wait Before Doing It?
Erloteiel asks:
Question, Nigel:How many "countless hours of courting" are too many? In other words, how long is too long to wait before going all the way?
I am not sure I am the person to be asking this question to. As a dude, I have to say a few hours. Personally, I had a one night stand that started 15 minutes after I met a woman. Of course, I was young and we were drunk. I can't totally condone that. But, the real answer is you have to be comfortable with your dude. Unless you are unbelievably horny, you should never just settle on doing some dude. Is it a few dates? A month? Two? Remember, dudes get tired when you hold out, and we start to look elsewhere. You don't want that to happen. And, you should never talk about it. It should never be addressed the way it was in "40 Year Old Virgin" where Steve Carrell and his girlfriend decided together that 20 dates would be appropriate. Just do it when you feel it's right. Also, you can't always count on a dude to make that move. Sometimes, you have to put the move on him (because he is too stupid to realize it's time).
Satisfying Rachel('s Questions)
Rachel returns with some awesome questions.
1. "Say like I want to try anal sex with my guy -- got any tips on how to make it NOT hurt like crazy hell?"
Yeah, show him some great porno which features it. I can get some recommendations for you. Act out the porno with him. He'll think more about the porno than whatever you are putting in his ass. Also, use ASTROGLIDE only. My gay friends tell me it is the best lubricant, and I trust their judgment on this one.2. "Best brand of whip cream?"
Reddi-wip.
Check it out. Quite simply, those aerosol cans are the best if you want to slowly slide it into your partner's mouth during foreplay, or after-play or during-play -- however you want it. If you use cool whip, you have to use a spoon. It's a pain-in-the-ass.
3. "...what does a guy think when he finally after countless hours of courting you when he finally gets you into bed? Like seeing you, tasting you, etc.?"
Great question. After we take a sigh of relief because we no longer have to chase you, we let our egos blow up the size of skyscrapers because we finally "got you". Then, we put our game face on, because we've talked the talk for so long. Now, we have to walk the walk. We want it to be the best sex you have ever had. Sometimes we can screw the whole thing up right then and there. But, if we take our time and take a breath, we're going to rock your world. We love seeing you naked for the first time. It is what we have been after. Touching you all over is like baking a cake, and tasting you is the icing... and going all the way, now that's the cherry on the cake of our day.Thanks again for visiting.Nigel and Ike.
CUM ON! LET'S TALK ABOUT S-E-X!
Let's put the F-U back into FUn again on this website by doing two things. First, I want you to anonymously (unless you are bold) submit your craziest sex questions ever. We'll all have a chance to answer them in subsequent blogs. Second, tell us the best place you have ever done it, who you were with and what it was like. This is one of those times where bigger is better. The bigger and bolder your stories and questions, the better off for Dude Deciphering Dot Com. So, fire away -- and, by all means, tell your friends to come up shooting too. The first question will be dealt with Tuesday night 8/1. Let's try to have a different story and a different question every night.
My story begins with being naked outside at a condominium complex where my co-worker lived in South Beach, and ends with security busting us in the hot tub. It was six in the morning. The hot tub action was crazy, and the two of us were piss drunk...(but not enough to piss in the hot tub). The action continued up in her condo, while the two of us were still dripping wet from our little hot tub action... She had just gotten a job in L.A. so we were both celebrating... The next day -- her last at the station -- I could barely keep a straight look on my face. Damn, what a night!
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